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NSCI Guide to Life Cycle Events
GETTING MARRIED
HAVING A BABY
BAR/BAT MITZVAH
VISITING THE SICK
WHEN A LOVED ONE DIES
GETTING MARRIED
Who do we call first?
After letting your family and friends know the great news, the next call you should make is to the synagogue to find a rabbi or cantor to officiate. Many couples make all the other arrangements, including setting a date, without consulting with their clergy, and then often find that the clergy person they had hoped to officiate is not available on that date. Consulting with them first can help you avoid this problem all together.
Besides helping coordinate the date, what else do we need to discuss with the clergy?
Many rabbis and cantors will actually suggest that you, the couple, come to meet with them several times before the actual wedding. These meetings usually consist of discussing the wedding ceremony itself, pre-marital facilitated discussions, and then just simple getting to know each other better conversations.
Do we need to have a blood test in order to get married?
Illinois does not require a blood test, however, we urge you to talk to your doctor and get screened for the nine Jewish Genetic disorders. If you have any questions, you can ask your clergy, your doctor, or contact the Chicago Center for Jewish Genetic Disorders at 312-357-4718 or jewishgeneticscenter.org.
HAVING A BABY
1) For a Boy
What is the meaning of berit milah?
Berit milah (literally, “covenant of circumcision”) - often known as a bris - refers to a religious ritual through which male babies are formally welcomed into the Jewish people.
When does berit milah take place?
The ceremony of berit milah is celebrated on the eighth day after the birth, even if that day falls on Yom Kippur or Shabbat. Of course, berit milah may be delayed for reasons of health. In many hospitals today, male babies are routinely circumcised on the fourth or fifth day after birth. It is, therefore, advisable to tell your doctor that you are Jewish and intend to have a berit milah in accordance with Jewish practice.
Where should the ceremony be held?
Berit milah may be celebrated in the synagogue, hospital, or home, usually during the morning or daylight hours. Many hospitals have a special room set aside for berit milah. The home, with the sense of warmth it contributes to this joyous occasion, is the most suitable place for a berit milah. The great majority of Jews today observe the ritual in their own households.
Who should be invited to the berit milah?
It is appropriate to invite family and friends to share in the happiness of the ceremony. A minimum of ten Jews (the traditional minyan) is desirable but not essential.
Who performs the circumcision?
Whereas originally, the father or his representative is responsible for circumcising a male child, today, a mohel/mohelet, trained in the surgical procedures of berit milah, performs the circumcision. Modern mohalim, including Reform mohalim, physicians certified by the Reform Movement’s Berit Milah Board, are carefully trained and certified. There is no reason to be concerned, then, about a mohel’s professional expertise.
Reform Jews ask either a mohel/et or their family physician to perform the circumcision. The physician should be Jewish and may be joined by the leader of the religious ceremony of berit milah, whether a rabbi or parent.
How do I find a mohel/et?
NSCI has a list of physicians who are also trained to be Reform Mohelim. You can call one of the rabbis’ administrative assistants at the synagogue and request the list. You can also look in the Jewish News or the Federation Directory.
Who else participates in the ritual?
In Reform Judaism, men and women have equal roles in the ceremony. We have already mentioned the mohel/et or doctor as well as the rabbi or leader of the service. In addition, there are the sandak, kvatter, and kvatterin, whom we have come to know as the baby’s godparents.
What do sandak, kvatter, and kvatterin mean?
The word sandak, translated as “godfather”, derives from a Greek term meaning “one who is with the child” or “patron.” Kvatter and kvatterin are German words, translates as “godfather” and “godmother.”
When did the institution of godparents originate and what do they do in the ceremony?
Scholars trace the origins of the work sandak to the tenth century C.E., with the kvatter and kvatterin emerging some time later in the European countries. These scholars, however, also tell us that the role of the sandak was performed many centuries earlier. Parents would ask a close friends or respected community leader to assume this responsibility, which consisted of assisting the mohel during the procedure of circumcision. The sandak would sit and hold the infant while the surgical operation was performed. When German Jewry introduced the concept of kvatter and kvatterin in addition to the sandak, their assumption was that this couple would be copartners with the parents in providing for the child’s Jewish upbringing.
Parents today will usually ask close friends to be godparents to their newborn baby. It is a great honor.
What is the order of the traditional service?
Customarily, two candles are lit in the room where the ceremony is to take place, as a symbol of life and the presence of God.
a. The kvatterin (godmother) takes the baby form the mother and brings it to the kvatter (godfather).
b. The kvatter then enters with the child and everyone stands and says Baruch haba, “Blessed be he who comes.” This constitutes a welcome to both the infant and the prophet Elijah.
c. The parent(s) of the infant recite(s) a prescribed reading indicating their acceptance of the responsibility for bringing their son into the covenant, the berit.
d. Jews set aside a special chair for Elijah at the berit, with the baby placed in the chair prior to the circumcision. A treasured Jewish legend holds that the prophet Elijah is present at every berit milah. Elijah is also often considered the “angel of the covenant” (Malachi 3:1), a protector of little children—in effect, the “guardian angle.”
e. The kvatter or mohel places the baby on the special chair for Elijah which has been prepared prior to the ceremony. The infant is then lifted from Elijah’s chair and placed upon the knees of the sandak, while all others remain standing.
f. The mohel/et recites the following blessing: Baruch Atah Adonai Elohenu Melech ha’olam asher kideshanu bemitzvotav vetzivanu al hamilah. “Blessed are You, O Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who has made us holy through the mizvot and ordained circumcision.”
f. The mohel/et performs the circumcision in three steps: milah, the cutting of the foreskin; periah, the removal of the underlying membrane; mezizah, drawing the blood from the wound.
g. During the circumcision, the parents traditionally recite the following blessing: Baruch Atah Adonai Elohenu Melech ha’olam asher kideshanu bemitzvotav vetzivanu lehachniso bevrito shel Avraham avinu. “Blessed are You, O Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who had made us holy through mitzvot and has commanded us to bring out sons into the covenant of Abraham our father.”
h. All those present recite a prayer expressing the hope that the baby will grow up into a life of study, marriage, and good deeds.
i. The mohel/et then chants the blessing for the wine and a prayer which gives the baby his Hebrew name. The godfather sips the wine, and a few drops are placed on the baby’s lips. This concludes the traditional ceremony, although it is quite common to add songs, readings, and poetry. A festive meal traditionally follows.
2) For a girl
Is there any ceremony like berit milah for baby girls?
Although traditionally, the birth of a daughter has formally been acknowledged by the father having an aliyah at the Shabbat following the girl’s birth, Judaism has always had special rituals to sanctify the occasion. Today, Families have many options for celebrating their daughter’s birth in a Jewish context. Over the last 4-5 decades, numerous ceremonies, that go by many names, have evolved to mark this special occasion. The ceremony may be called a Simchat Bat (rejoicing on account of a daughter), Brit Kedushah (covenant of holiness), Brit Sarah (covenant of Sarah) or most commonly and simply, a Brit Bat (covenant for a daughter). There is still no normative liturgy for a ritual as young as Brit Bat, and as such, you can work with your clergy to create the ceremony, structured around certain blessings, prayers, readings, and symbols.
Where does a Brit Bat usually take place?
Just like a Berit Milah, Brit Bat can be celebrated in the synagogue or at home or at another desirable, comfortable location.
When does a Brit Bat take place?
Generally, parents schedule a Brit Bat on a day that is convenient for family and friends and when the mother feels well enough to enjoy the event. Some choose to base their choice on Jewish criteria. Some have the ceremony on the baby’s 8th day, paralleling the tradition of Berit Milah. 14 and 30 days are also significant in Jewish tradition. Some choose to hold a Brit Bat on Rosh Chodesh – the first day of the new moon. And some choose Shabbat.
It is a good idea to speak with a clergy member about what works for you.
3) Hebrew Names
Are names important in Judaism?
Very much so. From biblical times onward, Jews have always devoted great care to the selection of names. In our Jewish tradition, names can be an expression of individuality, a commemoration of a great life event, a tribute to the dead, or an honor to the living. Books like The New Jewish Baby Book by Anita Diamant contain lists of Hebrew names and their meanings. Click here for information on Hebrew Names
BAR/BAT MITZVAH
What is the meaning of bat/bat mitzvah?
Bar/bat Mitzvah mean, literally, “son/daughter of the Commandment.” Bat mitzvah is Hebrew, while bar mitzvah, historically a much earlier ceremony, is Aramaic. The word bar is the Aramaic equivalent of the Hebrew, ben.
What event does bar and bat mitzvah mark in Jewish life?
Historically, first bar mitzvah and later bat mitzvah represented a ceremonial recognition that a young person had reached the age when he or she was responsible for the performance of the mitzvot/ commandments. The individual was then no longer a minor according to Jewish law and, thereby, took on new religious privileges and responsibilities. For boys, this age was thirteen, for girls, twelve.
What is the origin of bar mitzvah?
The beginnings of bar mitzvah ritual are obscure. It is not mentioned in the Torah, nor is there any biblical indication that thirteen was the age at which one attained religious majority.
Most scholars feel that the association between age thirteen and mandated religious observance began during the Second Temple period (between 516 B.C.E. and 70 C.E.). A section of the Babylonian Talmud (second of third century C.E.) affirms that “until the thirteenth year, it is the father’s duty to raise his son.” After that, however he must say “Blessed be He who has removed from me the responsibility for this boy!” In addition, Pirke Avot 5:25 states that at age thirteen a boy is responsible for the mitzvot.
The bar mitzvah ceremony was developed as a public recognition of a legal and religious status, attained with or without the ritual. In other words, a Jewish boy of thirteen years automatically became a bar mitzvah even if no public ceremony took place.
While the beginnings of “our” bar mitzvah ceremony appeared as early as the sixth century C.E., it was not until the Middle Ages that a fully developed ritual emerged. By the thirteenth or fourteenth century, the custom of calling a boy up to the Torah was established as the way of recognizing entry into manhood. The bar mitzvah boy would chant the blessings, all or part of the Torah portion of the week, and/or the haftarah section from the prophetic books. The boy’s father would then recite a special blessing” Baruch shepetarani me’onsho shel zeh. “Blessed is He who has freed me from responsibility for this boy.” The bar mitzvah boy would often give a scholarly address on the sidrah or some section of the Talmud. Then followed a gala feast, called seudat mitzvah (“meal of celebrating the performance of a mitzvah”), to which family, friends, and sometimes the entire Jewish community would be invited. In short, then, almost all the elements we associate with the modern bat mitzvah ceremony were present by the Middle Ages.
When did bat mitzvah begin?
Starting in the second or third century C.E., Jewish girls at age twelve took on legal responsibility for the performance of the mitzvot. As with age thirteen for boys, twelve probably corresponded with their onset of puberty. Today, liberal Jews affirm the total equality of women in terms of religious privileges and responsibilities.
Many centuries passed before any bat mitzvah ceremony appeared. In the 1800’s Reform Judaism abolished bar mitzvah in favor of Confirmation for both boys and girls (bat mitzvah not considered an option at that time.) Within the nineteenth century traditional community, some families held a seudat mitzvah for a daughter on her twelfth birthday, with the girl sometimes delivering a talk and her father reciting the “Baruch Shepetarani.”
The first known bat mitzvah in North America, of Judith Kaplan, daughter of Mordecai Kaplan, was held in the mid-20th century. Dr. Kaplan, founder of the Reconstructionist movement, scheduled his daughter’s bat mitzvah on a Friday night. Judith recited the berachah, read a section from her chumash (not the Torah school itself) and its English translation, then recited the concluding berachah. Bat mitzvah was born. Reform (which had by this time reintroduced bat mitzvah) and then Conservative congregations quickly adopted bat mitzvah, though in slightly different forms.
At what age do bar and bat mitzvah take place?
Bar or bat mitzvah is usually celebrated on the first Shabbat after the child’s thirteenth birthday or about that time.
What should we do about a party?
The bar/bat mitzvah “party” derives from the custom of serving a seudat mitzvah (“meal celebrating the performance of a mitzvah”) which arose in the Middle Ages. As early as the thirteenth century, local Jewish communities were concerned that such feasts might become ostentatious and wasteful displays of wealth, thereby detracting from the ceremony’s religious significance. Accordingly, community leaders often enacted formal legislation, strict guidelines, or special taxes to limit the size and nature of these feasts.
While the custom of each congregation most often dictates the form of bar/bat mitzvah parties, more Jewish families today invest the celebration with deeper Jewish feeling. Israeli dancing and singing, for example, are evident more than ever.
What if you never had a bar/bat mitzvah?
It’s never too late. Whether you’re sixteen or sixty, if you want a bar/bat mitzvah, you should have one. NSCI offers an adult bar/bat mitzvah program. If you did not have a bar/bat mitzvah and you’re prepared to undertake the necessary study, speak to one of the rabbis or cantor. It can be one of the most fulfilling experiences of your adult life.
VISITING THE SICK
Is visiting the sick a “Jewish” thing to do?
Yes. Bikkur Cholim, visiting the sick, is considered a mitzvah – an obligation. Jewish tradition says you remove 1/60 of a person's illness by visiting them. Whether we do or not, we are to visit the sick.
How do I know if it is OK to visit?
Usually a quick phone call asking if the person is up for a visit is a great way to know when a good time to stop by would be. If they are in a hospital or care-facility, usually just stopping by is fine, however, if the door to their room is closed, you should consult with the nurses station regarding whether or not it is a good time to visit. Always read any instructions on the patient’s door stating whether or not visitors must wear gloves or a mask as well.
Are their special prayers or readings I am supposed to say?
There are many prayers and readings that prove very appropriate to say to or with someone in need of healing. The most traditional is a “Mi SheBerach” prayer – the words of which ask God specifically for healing of the individual you are with. Additionally, there is a tradition of reading the Psalms at the bedside of people who are sick. Sometimes, people find saying the Shema very comforting as well.
WHEN A LOVED ONE DIES
Who do I call first?
The first call you should make is to the synagogue to let them know so a rabbi or cantor can be in touch with you. They will work with you and the funeral home of your choice in working through the details of the funeral.
How do I know when to have a funeral?
Jewish tradition encourages the funeral being held as soon as possible. That being said, you will need at least a day or two to meet with the funeral home and the clergy. Additionally, Jewish funerals cannot be held on Shabbat (late Friday afternoon through Saturday), Yom Kippur or on the first or last day of Sukkot, Pesach or Shavuot. Cemeteries generally require an extra fee to have a funeral on a Sunday as well. The details in terms of day and time need to be coordinated between you, the funeral home and the clergy before informing anyone else.
What about options besides burial?
Judaism has a longstanding tradition of burying the dead that dates back to the very beginning of the Torah. Genesis 3:19 reads: “For dust you are and to dust you shall return” – emphasizing bodily remains returning to the earth. In observant communities, cremation or mausoleum interment is not an option. Within a liberal Jewish setting, those are options, but certainly not in keeping with the tradition.
How soon after death should the funeral service be held?
Jewish Custom dictates that burial should take place as soon as possible after the death. Reform Jews do not insist upon burial within twenty-four hours but hold the service as soon as possible, sensitive to the anguish that families endure in anticipation of a final farewell to their loved ones.
Are all Jewish coffins the same?
Judaism prescribes the use of a plain wooden box as a casket. It was the great Jewish scholar Maimonides who first promulgated this ruling, both to guard against ostentation and to symbolize that all people are equal in death. Over time, practice barred the use of nails of metal in the coffin’s construction. Reform Jews use wooden or metal caskets in accordance with wishes of the family.
Where should the funeral service be held?
Modern Jews generally arrange for a service at a funeral chapel or in the cemetery at graveside. In times past, the service was most often held in a home or, in the case of a great scholar or community leader, within the synagogue building. This latter custom of a temple funeral is still occasionally observed today, both for communal figures and for others who specifically request this setting. We welcome this choice for NSCI members.
Should the body lie in state?
Judaism traditionally rejects this practice. The Talmud specifically states: “Do not look upon the face of the dead.” Most scholars agree that this prohibition was a rejection of a common Christian custom. Still, there are some Jews who choose to allow friends and family to view the deceased prior to the funeral service. In almost no circumstances, however, does the casket remain open during the service itself.
What about music and flowers?
Traditional Judaism discourages instrumental music and flowers at funerals. The chanting or recitation of psalms and prayers is, of course, part of the service. But music per se, considered a form of entertainment, is not permitted. Flowers were frowned upon because the rabbis did not with to promote ostentation. The rabbinic position on flowers paralleled that of ordaining plain “wood” caskets and simple shrouds. But additionally, Jews were—and are—encouraged to help the living. Thus, beginning in the Middle Ages, in place of flowers, most Jews gave tzedakah, a donation to a cause favored by the deceased.
It is important to note that the stances on music and flowers are minhagim (customs) which acquired the force of halachah (law). Accordingly, many Liberal Jews opt for one or both as a personal expression of their affection and respect for their loved ones. This is especially so with flowers at the grave, a clear expression of kevod hamet, “honor for the dead.”
Does Jewish Tradition permit pallbearers?
Yes. Indeed a Jewish funeral is called a levayah, an “accompanying” of the body to the grave. Pallbearers, or “honorary” pallbearers, generally either carry the casket or walk beside the coffin from the chapel to the hearse and, at times, also from the hearse to the grave itself.
Who is allowed to serve as a pallbearer?
Members of the family or close Jewish friends, both male and female, usually are asked. It is considered a great mitzvah to serve as a pallbearer.
For Liberal Jews, great honor is accorded to the deceased when his or her children or grandchildren are pallbearers. This derives from an account in Genesis 50:13 which relates that (Jacob’s) “sons carried him into the land of Canaan.” Orthodoxy, however, prohibits this practice.
Are children allowed to attend funerals?
Nothing in Jewish law proscribes a child’s attendance at a funeral. Accordingly, the decision should be based on the child’s maturity and a sense of whether or not the participation will be beneficial to the young person in expressing grief and in honoring the deceased
What is Keriah?
Keriah is a Hebrew word meaning ”tearing” and refers to a ritual in which clothing or a black ribbon is cut or torn as a sign of mourning. Orthodox Jews formerly “cut keriah “ at one of two times, either at the moment of death or at the time of the funeral. Today, all Jews generally cut keriah just prior to the funeral service.
Burial
Is there any prescribes way in which the grave is to be filled in?
Judaism holds that the filling in the grave constitutes kevod hamet, “honor to the dead,” and is an act of the highest respect and caring for our loved ones. Just as we do not enter the world alone, so should we no depart from it alone. Members of the family begin, using only the back of the shovel so as not to give the impression of wishing to bury the dead in haste. For the same reason, the shovel is not passed by hand. Instead as each mourner fills in a bit of earth, he or she places the shovel in the mound of earth next to the grave before another takes hold of it.
What is the expression of consolation recited by friends as mourners leave the grave?
The Hebrew is as follows: Hamakom yenachem etchem betoch she’ar avele Tziyon Virushalayim. “May God comfort you along with all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
Shivah
What is the meaning of shivah?
Shivah is a Hebrew word meaning “seven” and refers to a seven-day period of formalized mourning by the immediate family of the deceased.
When did shivah originate?
The Talmud (Sanhedrin 108b) holds that the practice originated prior to the Flood, which is described in the story of Noah in Genesis: “And it came to pass, after the seven days, that the waters of the Flood were upon the earth.” The seven days, say the rabbis, were a period of mourning for Methuselah, the oldest man who ever lived.
When does shivah begin?
Shivah begins immediately after the burial and traditionally concludes a short time after the morning service (Shacharit) seven days later. Many Reform families observe Shivah for three days.
Where is shivah observed?
It is customary to observe shivah in the home of the deceased. Where this is not possible, shivah may be marked in the home of an immediate family member or even a friend. Most importantly, however, the family should be together during this time.
For whom is shivah observed?
Jewish Law prescribes observance of shivah for one’s parents, sibling, child, or spouse.
How does shivah begin?
Before the mourners and friends enter the home, they first wash their hands in a ritualistic manner, using a pitcher of water and a basin outside the front or back door.
What happens next?
Upon entering the house, a member of the family generally lights a shivah candle, which is almost always provided by the funeral home and which burns for seven days.
What is the purpose of the shivah candle?
The shivah candle, also called the ner daluk, “burning light,” serves as a mark of respect to the memory of the deceased.
What about meals?
Seudat havra’ah is a Hebrew term referring to the first meal served to mourners in the house of mourning upon returning from the cemetery. It is commonly known as the “meal of condolence” and is to be provided by friends or family of the mourners but not the mourners themselves.
May friends bring food to the house of the mourning throughout shivah?
Yes. It is considered an act of great caring to free the family from everyday concerns during shivah.
Is it a mitzvah to make visit someone while they are observing shiva?
Yes. Nichum avelim is a Hebrew term meaning “comforting mourners,” and refers in part to the mitzvah of visiting the house of mourning during the shivah period.
When may we begin to visit mourners?
Before burial, grief is so strong as virtually to preclude consolation by even the most well-meaning friend. Accordingly, the appropriate time for a condolence call begins after interment during the shivah week.
What is the purpose of a condolence call?
Most mourners do not leave their homes during shivah. It is a time to grieve, to work through pain, and then to take a first step back toward life. This process, however, cannot be undertaken alone. The presence of a support system of friends and family is essential to healing. Your visit helps.
Many people are reluctant to visit a house of mourning. They worry about what they should say or do. But what you say or do is the least significant part of a condolence call. Your presence is the greatest gift you can give to the bereaved family.
What happens when you arrive?
As you enter the house of mourning, a member or friend of the family may meet you and usher you into the living room. It is customary to wait to speak until after the mourner speaks. But, once you are acknowledged, all you need to say is “I’m sorry.” That simple phrase, a touch, a hug will mean more to the mourner than you can ever know. The key is just being present.
What happens then?
Shivah is a time when we reminisce, remember, and recapture memories of a loved one. A such, what we usually do during a condolence call is to listen to those memories that the mourner wishes to share or to talk about other subjects initiated by the mourner which may have nothing to do with his or her loss.
Usually, you need not stay more than thirty to forty-five minutes. During your visit, supporting, listening, and responding to the mourner should be your primary goal.
Should we bring a gift or flowers?
No. Except for food, as we have already discussed, it is not customary to bring anything with you to the house of mourning. Again, your presence is the main thing. If you wish to “do something,” make a contribution to the deceased’s favorite charity or to a synagogue fund established in his or her memory. A particularly meaningful gesture for many Jews is to plant trees in Israel through the Jewish National Fund.
What if we cannot be physically present during shivah?
It is proper and comforting to write a card or note if you cannot be present. If you were close to the deceased, mourners would usually also welcome a phone call.
May we pay more than one condolence call during shivah?
Yes. If you are close to the family, it is appropriate for you to come each day, particularly for the daily minyan which is a central custom of shivah.
What does tradition forbid during shivah?
Among those things traditional Judaism generally proscribes during shivah are:
a. Leaving the house, except to go to synagogue on Shabbat.
b. Work or any business pursuits.
c. Shaving or haircuts.
d. Bathing, other then for the most elementary hygiene.
e. The use of cosmetics.
f. The wearing of leather shoes.
g. Festivities of any kind.
h. The wearing of new clothes.
i. Engaging in sex.
j. Studying the Bible, except for Job and some section of Jeremiah pertaining to sorrow.
Why is there a daily service/minyan in the house of mourning?
Jewish law requires mourners to recite the mourner’s Kaddish three times each day—morning, afternoon, and evening—during shivah. Since a minyan of ten adult male Jews is required in order to say the mourner’s Kaddish, and since mourners are not allowed to leave the home except on Shabbat, friends and family come to the home to enable the bereaved to fulfill this mitzvah.
Liberal Jews most often have only one minyan each day, usually in the late afternoon or early evening. Women and men count equally in the composition of the minyan and Kaddish may be recited with less than ten Jews present, though a minyan is desirable.
What is the meaning of Kaddish?
Kaddish is an Aramaic word meaning “sanctification.” It is derived from the Hebrew word kodesh (“holy”), which is also the root of the Hebrew words kiddush (“blessing over wine”) and kedushah (“the sanctification” in the prayer service), and the Aramaic word kiddushin (“the wedding service”).
For whom is Kaddish recited?
Jewish law requires the recitation of the mourner’s Kaddish for parents, spouses, siblings and children. For parents, Kaddish is to be recited daily for eleven months following burial. For all other relatives, the Kaddish is recited for 30 days, the period known as sheloshim.
Why eleven months for parents? Shouldn’t it be twelve months?
The maximum twelve-month purification process of a soul was only required for individuals who were totally evil. Based on the belief that no child should ever have to acknowledge the possibility of a completely wicket parent, Orthodoxy shortened the required period to eleven months. Reform Jews generally say Kaddish for twelve months, retaining the talmudic custom.
Who says Kaddish?
Originally, only sons said Kaddish for their parents. Since this was such a respected mitzvah, parents would often refer to their sons as “my Kaddish.” When there was no son, a family would often hire someone to say Kaddish during the eleven-month period.
Why do we stand during the Kaddish?
In orthodox congregations, only mourners stand during the mourner’s Kaddish, as a way of alerting the community to those in grief and perhaps in need on an extra measure of caring. In many Reform congregations, the entire congregation rises, as a symbol of respect to the memory of the departed, to recite Kaddish for those who have no one to say it for them, and for victims of the Holocaust.
Sheloshim and the Year of Mourning
What is the meaning of sheloshim?
Sheloshim is a Hebrew word meaning “thirty” and refers to the traditional thirty-day period of mourning following burial.
How does sheloshim differ from shivah?
Sheloshim includes the seven days of shivah. However, the twenty-three days following the conclusion of shivah are far less restrictive.
May sheloshim be shortened by a Jewish festival?
Yes. Even as Pesach, Shavuot, Sukot, Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur curtail shivah, so do they “break” sheloshim, except in the case of a parent. Your rabbi can advise you as to your individual circumstances.
What are the traditional rules of sheloshim?
After shivah ends, mourners may return to work. The rules for the balance of sheloshim, however, wisely prescribe that they not immediately resume a normal daily routine.
Specifically:
a. Mourners continue to recite Kaddish in the presence of a minyan three times daily. This provision requires attendance at daily services and also insures that the bereaved will be regularly in the midst of a sympathetic support group.
b. Mourners do not attend parties or other festive occasions, especially if there is to be music and/or dancing. If a previously planned extended-family simchah falls within sheloshim, a wedding or bar mitzvah, for example, mourners may attend the religious service but not the party. If a religious simchah in the immediate family occurs during sheloshim, it should not be postponed, but any music should be cancelled.
c. Mourners do not watch televisions, listen to the radio, or go to the movies, sporting events, or purely social gatherings. As these are forms of entertainment, they are prohibited during sheloshim.
d. Mourners do not visit the graves of their loved ones. Custom, not halachah, prescribes that the grave not be visited for the duration of sheloshim. Reform Jews, however, feel free to visit the cemetery after the end of shivah.
What happens after sheloshim?
Sheloshim concludes the traditional mourning period for all loved ones except for parents. Most mourners may return to a full business and social life.
The Tombstone
What were the most common phrases?
It would be more accurate to refer to them as inscriptions rather than phrases. Often a mother’s stone would include a section from Proverbs 31 (“A woman of valor”). It was quite common for a stone to carry the Hebrew letters representing the Hebrew phrase meaning “May his (her) soul be bound up in eternal life.”
How do we select monuments today?
Arrangements for a gravestone should be made as soon as possible after the funeral. The size of the stone and the inscription should be a family decision. Your local funeral director or cemetary can recommend one or more stonesmiths. The monument may be made out of stone or metal, upright or flat. It should be dignified and not ostentatious. Your rabbi can help you select an appropriate text, which should be reviewed carefully before the stone is prepared.
The Dedication
What is a dedication?
An unveiling is a graveside religious ceremony marking the formal setting of a loved one’s headstone at the cemetery.
When is the dedication held?
Traditionally, the stone is not set until after the conclusion of twelve months. Most Jews, therefore, hold the unveiling service at the end of the year of mourning.
What if the end of “the year” falls during winter months?
It is not at all uncommon to change the unveiling to a more convenient time, so long as it is after the conclusion of the year’s mourning period. A date change may be occasioned by considerations of weather or the inability of family members to attend on a particular date.
Is there a prescribed ritual for a dedication?
No. Custom dictates a brief ceremony, with immediate family and perhaps a few very close friends present. Generally, psalms are recited, followed by some brief words about the deceased, the actual unveiling of the stone, the El Maley Rachamim, and the Kaddish. Orthodoxy requires a minyan for Kaddish, while reform does not.
An unveiling should not be a second funeral. Most Jews choose to ask their rabbi to conduct the service, but the presence of a rabbi or cantor is not required. One of the rabbis or cantor can provide you a service to do so. An unveiling in intended as a family tribute to the memory of a loved one, a private, tender time of reminiscence after “the year” of mourning comes to an end. We perform the mitzvah of kever avot (literally, “grave of the fathers”) by visiting the grave, and leaving the cemetery with a greater sense of closure and a renewed commitment to life.
Why do some people leave pebbles on the headstone as they leave the cemetery?
In biblical times, as we have seen, graves were sometimes marked by a pile of stones. Some scholars suggest that this may explain the custom of leaving pebbles. There is no religious basis for the practice. It serves to indicate that loved ones have been to the grave, and that alone is sufficient cause to justify it. At least one contemporary rabbi, however, has suggested that leaving a stone may also have therapeutic benefit for us. Especially if we see it as a symbolic means of leaving behind some of the “hardness” of grief and pain.
Is there a meal in the home following the dedicaton?
There is no requirement for the equivalent of the “meal of consolation” that follows a funeral. Some Sephardic Jews bring food to the cemetery itself. If Ashkenazic Jews do invite family members to the home following the service, it is a gesture of graciousness rather than a religious obligation.
How often should we visit the grave after “the year” concludes?
There is no prescribed minimum or maximum number of visits. Orthodox Jews make a point of visiting the graves of loved ones during the month of Elul just prior to the onset of the High Holy Days, on the day before Rosh Hashanah, and the day before Yom Kippur. Many Jews visit the cemetery on the loved one’s birthday, an anniversary, or a special personal day. Visitations to the cemetery are not made on Shabbat or Jewish festivals.
Jewish tradition discourages excessive mourning and constant cemetery visitation, especially if it becomes an impediment to a return to life. The Book of Jeremiah 22:10 proclaims: “Weep ye not (too much) for the dead.” Wisely, though, Jewish practice provides a regular, structured, communal expression of reminiscence, through Yahrzeit and Yizkor.
Yahrzeit and Yizkor
What is the meaning of Yahrzeit?
Yahrzeit is a German/Yiddish word meaning “year’s time” and refers to the annual Jewish commemoration of a loved one’s death.
How is the date of Yahrzeit fixed?
Traditional Jews mark the Hebrew calendar anniversary of death, while most Reform Jews observe the secular calendar date.
What are the religious practices associated with Yahrzeit?
Yahrzeit is generally a personal, rather than a communal, observance. Though the Yahrzeit of a great Jewish leader may be marked communally, it is the individual family member who most often takes sole responsibility for assuring that a loved one is remembered.
It is common to lighta 24-hour Yahrzeit candle on the eve of the anniversary. Yahrzeit candles are available in many grocery stores and at synagogue gift shops. It is also recommended to recite Kaddish at services on the Yahrzeit date. Illumination of a memorial plaque light in the synagogue which bears the name of the deceased is also common. Some choose to visit the cemetery and/or give tzedakah as well.
What is the meaning of Yizkor?
Yizkor is a Hebrew word meaning “remembrance” and refers to special services associated with certain Jewish holidays which are specifically dedicated to the memory of our loved ones
When are Yizkor services held?
Yizkor services take place on Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, and on the last days of Pesach and Shavuot.
At one time, Reform congregations had Yizkor services only on Yom Kippur and Pesach. Today, growing numbers of Reform temples have added services on Sukot and Shavuot.
Why do some people leave the sanctuary during Yizkor?
Jews leave the synagogue during Yizkor if their parents are alive. This practice is based in part upon a superstition that harm might come to their parents if they remained. Reform Jews remain for Yizkor, even if their parents are living, and recite Kaddish for all the unnamed and nameless who have no children to pray for their eternal rest.
Yizkor and Yahrzeit bring the Jewish cycle of mourning to a close. Though our dead are never forgotten and though we continue to recite Kaddish for them so long as we live, we now rejoin life with full vigor.
Sources
"Gates of the Seasons: A Guide The The Jewish Year" Edited by Peter S Knobel
"The Handbook for Jewish Living" Kerry M. Olitsky and Ronald H. Isaacs
"The New Jewish Baby Book" Anita Diamant
"The Jewish Home: A Guide for Jewish Living" Daniel B. Syme
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